Genuine dependency does not include creating a tradition of Sunday family dinners or having Mom do one’s laundry occasionally. However, both children and parents should realize that being independent should not include frequent financial loans or paying a grown-up child’s regular expenses, such as rent or phone bills.
Parenting is supposed to be a process of teaching children how to be self-sufficient. However, it’s not always easy to go from being dependent on parents to being independent. If you think you’re still doing too much, says Newsday, you need to ask “Good to Know: Are your grown-up children taking advantage of you?”
Plenty of parents don’t know what to do when they are asked too many times for too many financial favors. They may feel pressured to agree, worried that they may see their grandchildren or their children less, if they say no. That’s a bad reason for generosity. If the parent is asked to co-sign for a large purchase, like a home or a car, they need to put the brakes on and discuss this thoroughly with their child. It may also be a good idea to speak with an estate planning attorney, for an objective viewpoint.
There needs to be recognition of the child’s creditworthiness. Have they borrowed money from their parents or other family members and failed to pay it back completely, or made only partial payments, and only after being reminded repeatedly? Don’t expect behavior to change. Parents facing this example also need to discuss this between themselves. They should only “lend” money that they can afford to lose.
If the child has been turned down for credit through regular financial channels and the bank of Mom and Dad is the only option, find out why. Ask them for a credit report and be transparent about your concerns. Can you afford to pick up the mortgage payments, if the child fails to make them? What about car loan payments?
Taking advantage of parents can extend past money. Some families welcome their grandchildren with open arms for unlimited times. However, if you find yourself babysitting on weekends and several week nights during the week, it’s time for a discussion. For one family, whose son was interested in spending time with a new fiancé more than with his two toddlers, the situation went on for nearly a year, until the parents gathered the courage to speak up.
They added up all the time they were spending each week taking care of the children. It turned out that they were watching the children for fifteen hours or more each week. This was discussed calmly. They then made it clear that they were happy to continue caring for the children, but for a far more reasonable period of time.
If you feel that your children are taking advantage of you, you’ll need to have a discussion in a calm and reasonable manner. If there are financial matters that are spinning out of control, speak with your estate planning attorney about how to create a plan to stop the flow of money. Elder financial abuse sometimes begins as a “favor.” However, it can escalate, if it is allowed to grow unchecked.
Reference: Newsday (April 14, 2019) “Good to Know: Are your grown-up children taking advantage of you?”
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